Satisfyer Partner Multifun 1 & 2

Where oh where do I even begin with this one? You know I think I’m just going to skip the preamble and dive right in.  

This review is 50% obligation and 50% public service announcement, so come with me while I explain why nobody ever should have to use one of these toys.

In seven years of reviewing sex toys I can honestly say that these are two of the worst products I’ve ever encountered in my life. Just let that sink in for a moment. I was going to say that they had no redeeming features whatsoever, but that would be unfair, because they are made of silicone and they have a waterproof magnetic charging system, but that’s about it, and if that’s what we’re giving companies brownie points for in 2019 then we’re really scraping the barrel.
The products are essentially vibrating cock rings, but they’re marketed as couples toys, and come complete with an assortment of illustrations on the back of the box of a heterosexual couple gleefully enjoying it in an assortment of positions. Yay, I feel so included.

The actual idea of the product itself isn’t terrible; plenty of people enjoy vibrating cock rings, and the twist here is that they contain two motors, allowing the product to be used one way when worn, and also separately as a handheld toy.
Whilst being used as a cock ring the upper motor is designed to stimulate a partner’s body, whilst the lower motor stimulates the wearer’s perineum. As a handheld toy the two tips are intended to provide stimulation similar to the manner of the Jimmyjane Form 2.

It all sounds good, right? So why do I hate these products with such a burning passion? Quite simply it’s the motors. The motors are utter garbage. To call the motors “buzzy” is an insult to the most buzzy vibrator you could possibly imagine. They’re not just bad from the standpoint of some snobby sex toy reviewer who has the luxury of owning $100+ toys, they’re bad compared to some watch battery vibrator you can pick up from the pharmacy. I’m almost insulted by how bad they are. I’m annoyed for every single person who might casually pick one up in a shop and then have to suffer the crushing disappointment when they get home. I’m almost incredulous that such a thing even exists.

The most shocking thing is how little you can actually feel from either of the motors; at best it’s a vague tingling sensation, and cycling through the power settings makes no difference. I tell a lie, it does make a difference, a difference to the noise level. The only real sensation that this toy creates is in your ear, and pressing the button seems to just change the pitch of the buzzing until finally it reaches the level of an annoying mosquito circling your head on a Summer evening.

The upper motor is so ineffective that all the vibrations seem to stay buried within the body of the toy, and never reach any focal point on the surface. With the lower motors it’s slightly better because you can actually feel the tips vibrating, but it’s just so weak that it’s embarrassing. I’m pretty sure that I would die before this product ever made me cum. There’s no way that I can actually imagine anyone, man or woman, being able to get off from this product, and that’s the whole damn point of a sex toy. To quote the Attorney General Geoffrey Cox “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I considered this quite carefully, and I would rather rub my penis against a belt sander than use this product, because amidst all the pain and blood there would still be enough mechanical sensation there to deliver an orgasm, whereas even with all its soft silicone and fancy chargers the Multifun could never hope to accomplish that.
So there it is, what more do you want me to say? I could go into its different vibration patterns, and its battery life, I could try to make some observation about the difference between the shape of the pink one and the blue one, but frankly what is the point? Do not buy this toy. Do not let your friends or family buy this toy. Shout it from the rooftops and do not let anyone buy this infernal toy.
Oh, and they retail for £45 each. Shoot me.