California Exotics Long John

Valentine’s Day is behind us, I’m filled with more pancakes than an IHOP, and this blog turned another year old this week!
Today I’m starting the first in a series of reviews for the nice folks over at, who’ve kindly provided me with some products to put through their paces for you guys, so let’s get to it!

One of the criticisms that I’m aware can be levelled at my blog is that I don’t review a whole load of affordable toys, and while a perk of having been at this for six years now is that companies trust me to offer a thorough breakdown of their more expensive items, this omission isn’t intentional. The fact is that often it can be hard to find a quality toy that doesn’t break the bank, especially if you care about the safety of the materials you put inside your body, and you should do. While it’s certainly great to have the luxury of expensive tastes, not everyone is in a position to stretch to spending $100/£100 on a dildo, so today I’m hoping to go a little way to remedy this.
The Long John from Cal Exotics is a 100% silicone dildo which costs only $35.95, so when I spotted it on the TooTimid website I knew that it would be the perfect thing to review for them. It comes in a simple choice of a flesh colour or pink, which is quite a reasonable selection for a budget toy.

The first thing that struck me about the Long John was the similarity between the shape of its shaft and that of The Boss dildo from Fun Factory. They both incorporate a subtle sweeping S-shape down their length, the difference being with the Long John that it has a more overtly phallic appearance with its prominent head, veiny shaft, and all culminating with a pair of balls at the base.

The other difference with the Long John is its size: it measures a total of 7 1/4″ in length, with 6″ insertable, and an average circumference of 5 1/4″. It falls into what I’d consider to be a realistic size for a dildo, not ridiculously huge, but also not specifically small for beginners. It’s that sort of Average Joe size that should appeal to anyone looking to replicate that experience with the man off the street rather than a porn star.

The construction of the dildo is good, but also a point of interest for me because of one particular peculiarity. While the whole shaft is solid, the balls themselves appear to be filled with air, something which is reinforced by the appearance of a plug-like piece in the base. You can squash them and compress them, and they really don’t give you the impression of them being solid. This doesn’t really affect much about the dildo other than being a curiosity, except for the fact that the base is convex rather than being flat, which seems to be attributable to the air inside. The effect of this is that the dildo doesn’t stand up very easily and tends to teeter around even if you’ve managed to balance it correctly. It doesn’t really bother me that they’ve tried to keep costs down by saving material in this hollow section, but it might have made more sense just to leave an open bullet hole in the base, rather than a cavity in the balls, as at least this way there’d be the option to use a suction cup with it, etc.

In terms of the finish on the dildo it has an entirely matte surface and feels nice to the touch. There’s visual evidence of a mould line running the entire length, but it’s not raised and can’t be felt, so it’s not an issue.

When it comes down to use I’m happy to say that the dildo works and hits all the right spots, and why wouldn’t it considering how much I enjoyed The Boss before it? It’s actually rather a relief as it would have been annoying to have finally found a good quality affordable dildo, only to then have to write it off because the shape was a dud. One of the first things about it is that it’s actually a great manual thrusting dildo. It’s lightweight and ergonomic so you can comfortably lie back, hold it in your hand, and go to town as long as you please. I find that in this position it works best to hold the dildo so that the ridge on the head is aligned with your prostate, and then relatively shallow thrusting will help to target it well and deliver lovely sensations. The silicone is quite firm, but it has enough flex in it that you can bend and angle the shaft to really target it right where you want the most pressure from that ridge. The other way to use it, and generally my preferred method, is to place the dildo on a flat surface and ride it. The only downside here is that because the dildo is lightweight, and the base isn’t flat, it can jump around a bit, so it helps to hold it down. In this position I find that the dildo works best flipped around 180 degrees, so then it’s that big rounded section of the ventral side of the shaft that does all the work. As you lower yourself down onto the dildo you really feel its entire shape, and your body follows every twist and curve, far more so than you’d imagine. Once you’ve worked up a steady rhythm you can really feel the bulge in the shaft massaging your prostate to great effect. It works best with a deeper insertion, and thanks to the shape and modest length it’s possible to get right down to the base with no discomfort, allowing a worry-free ride no matter how vigorous you get in the process. Despite all the textured vein detailing on the shaft, you don’t really feel any of it during use, and just get a smooth gliding action in and out. It is best to use a little extra lube with the dildo though, as if you’re being minimal with it you can feel a little drag.

The actual shape of the dildo makes really well suited to people of all experience levels, as that small tapered tip makes it nice and easy to insert for those more at the beginner end, while those comfortable with bigger things can still appreciate the great sensations that come when it hits just the right spot. It’s obviously not going to be the most filling dildo in the world, but it’s a nice alternative when you still want sensation but without the stretch.

The Long John is of course made from silicone, and the reason you want a silicone dildo is because it’s a completely inert material that’s safe to put inside your body. It’s also non-porous, so it won’t harbour bacteria deep within it, and you can sterilise it via boiling or mild bleaching, and safely share it with a partner.

I have to say that I really am impressed with this dildo. It’s amazing what you can pick up for $35, something that’s well made, has a good functional shape, and that’s made with safe materials. I can only hope that more manufacturers will follow suit and start offering a wider range of affordable silicone toys. If you want to pick up something that’ll show you a great time without blowing the budget, then I can happily recommend this one.

Many thanks to TooTimid for sending me The Long John, and it’s available from them right now!