California Exotics Long John

Valentine’s Day is behind us, I’m filled with more pancakes than an IHOP, and this blog turned another year old this week!
Today I’m starting the first in a series of reviews for the nice folks over at, who’ve kindly provided me with some products to put through their paces for you guys, so let’s get to it!

One of the criticisms that I’m aware can be levelled at my blog is that I don’t review a whole load of affordable toys, and while a perk of having been at this for six years now is that companies trust me to offer a thorough breakdown of their more expensive items, this omission isn’t intentional. The fact is that often it can be hard to find a quality toy that doesn’t break the bank, especially if you care about the safety of the materials you put inside your body, and you should do. While it’s certainly great to have the luxury of expensive tastes, not everyone is in a position to stretch to spending $100/£100 on a dildo, so today I’m hoping to go a little way to remedy this.
The Long John from Cal Exotics is a 100% silicone dildo which costs only $35.95, so when I spotted it on the TooTimid website I knew that it would be the perfect thing to review for them. It comes in a simple choice of a flesh colour or pink, which is quite a reasonable selection for a budget toy.

The first thing that struck me about the Long John was the similarity between the shape of its shaft and that of The Boss dildo from Fun Factory. They both incorporate a subtle sweeping S-shape down their length, the difference being with the Long John that it has a more overtly phallic appearance with its prominent head, veiny shaft, and all culminating with a pair of balls at the base.

The other difference with the Long John is its size: it measures a total of 7 1/4″ in length, with 6″ insertable, and an average circumference of 5 1/4″. It falls into what I’d consider to be a realistic size for a dildo, not ridiculously huge, but also not specifically small for beginners. It’s that sort of Average Joe size that should appeal to anyone looking to replicate that experience with the man off the street rather than a porn star.

The construction of the dildo is good, but also a point of interest for me because of one particular peculiarity. While the whole shaft is solid, the balls themselves appear to be filled with air, something which is reinforced by the appearance of a plug-like piece in the base. You can squash them and compress them, and they really don’t give you the impression of them being solid. This doesn’t really affect much about the dildo other than being a curiosity, except for the fact that the base is convex rather than being flat, which seems to be attributable to the air inside. The effect of this is that the dildo doesn’t stand up very easily and tends to teeter around even if you’ve managed to balance it correctly. It doesn’t really bother me that they’ve tried to keep costs down by saving material in this hollow section, but it might have made more sense just to leave an open bullet hole in the base, rather than a cavity in the balls, as at least this way there’d be the option to use a suction cup with it, etc.

In terms of the finish on the dildo it has an entirely matte surface and feels nice to the touch. There’s visual evidence of a mould line running the entire length, but it’s not raised and can’t be felt, so it’s not an issue.

When it comes down to use I’m happy to say that the dildo works and hits all the right spots, and why wouldn’t it considering how much I enjoyed The Boss before it? It’s actually rather a relief as it would have been annoying to have finally found a good quality affordable dildo, only to then have to write it off because the shape was a dud. One of the first things about it is that it’s actually a great manual thrusting dildo. It’s lightweight and ergonomic so you can comfortably lie back, hold it in your hand, and go to town as long as you please. I find that in this position it works best to hold the dildo so that the ridge on the head is aligned with your prostate, and then relatively shallow thrusting will help to target it well and deliver lovely sensations. The silicone is quite firm, but it has enough flex in it that you can bend and angle the shaft to really target it right where you want the most pressure from that ridge. The other way to use it, and generally my preferred method, is to place the dildo on a flat surface and ride it. The only downside here is that because the dildo is lightweight, and the base isn’t flat, it can jump around a bit, so it helps to hold it down. In this position I find that the dildo works best flipped around 180 degrees, so then it’s that big rounded section of the ventral side of the shaft that does all the work. As you lower yourself down onto the dildo you really feel its entire shape, and your body follows every twist and curve, far more so than you’d imagine. Once you’ve worked up a steady rhythm you can really feel the bulge in the shaft massaging your prostate to great effect. It works best with a deeper insertion, and thanks to the shape and modest length it’s possible to get right down to the base with no discomfort, allowing a worry-free ride no matter how vigorous you get in the process. Despite all the textured vein detailing on the shaft, you don’t really feel any of it during use, and just get a smooth gliding action in and out. It is best to use a little extra lube with the dildo though, as if you’re being minimal with it you can feel a little drag.

The actual shape of the dildo makes really well suited to people of all experience levels, as that small tapered tip makes it nice and easy to insert for those more at the beginner end, while those comfortable with bigger things can still appreciate the great sensations that come when it hits just the right spot. It’s obviously not going to be the most filling dildo in the world, but it’s a nice alternative when you still want sensation but without the stretch.

The Long John is of course made from silicone, and the reason you want a silicone dildo is because it’s a completely inert material that’s safe to put inside your body. It’s also non-porous, so it won’t harbour bacteria deep within it, and you can sterilise it via boiling or mild bleaching, and safely share it with a partner.

I have to say that I really am impressed with this dildo. It’s amazing what you can pick up for $35, something that’s well made, has a good functional shape, and that’s made with safe materials. I can only hope that more manufacturers will follow suit and start offering a wider range of affordable silicone toys. If you want to pick up something that’ll show you a great time without blowing the budget, then I can happily recommend this one.

Many thanks to TooTimid for sending me The Long John, and it’s available from them right now!

Advanced Master Gauge Pump

Recently I was sent an assignment on EdenFantasys to review the Advanced Master Gauge Pump by California Exotics, and having never tried a penis pump before I decided to accept. Penis pumps are typically used by those suffering from erectile dysfunction or by those wishing to attempt to enlarge their member, neither of which have ever been an issue for me, but it seemed like a good opportunity to try something new.

The Advanced Master Gauge Pump is a mid-priced penis pump by California Exotics, and it comes in a selection of three colours, red, clear, and grey, and unsurprisingly I elected to go for the red version.

The pump is a large, sturdy, piece of apparatus constructed from a combination of ABS and polycarbonate plastic, and stands at a total height of 12 1/2″ inches. The cylinder of the pump is designed to accommodate a penis of up to 9″ in length, and it has an internal diameter of 2 1/2″, which should be more than enough space for the average individual. 
The cylinder is transparent aside from a red tint, and has nice thick walls to give it sufficient strength to withstand the pressure. Around the exterior of the cylinder are several decorative grooves which run vertically and help to add grip whilst it’s being held. On the front is an embossed measurement scale in both inches and centimetres; I compared the scale to a tape measure and it appeared to be slightly inaccurate as both the inches and centimetres were larger than they rightly should have been. 
At the top of the pump is a gauge which allows you to keep track of the pressure inside the cylinder. Strangely the needle inside the dial was not at zero when the pump arrived and there appeared to be no way to correct it. It’s unlikely that you’re going to be looking at the gauge to obtain a numerical value, so it’s still possible to compare the initial position of the needle with where it ends up, without having it starting at zero. The needle in the dial moves anticlockwise which I found slightly unusual, but perhaps it’s intended to indicate that the pressure inside the cylinder will be in negative territory compared to the exterior atmospheric pressure.
The pump is operated by a simple pistol-grip handle which is connected by a 16″ red silicone hose. The pump handle is wonderfully easy to operate and only requires one hand to do so, allowing you to hold the cylinder in place with the other. To operate the pump handle you simply pull the two pieces together as though you were pulling a trigger, or making a fist with a piece of exercise equipment. The part of the handle where you place your fingers has a grooved design for increased comfort and to prevent accidental slippage. The length of the hose is sufficient to give a good freedom of movement with the hand whilst using the pump.
On the base of the cylinder can be attached an optional black silicone “doughnut” which comes included. This piece has a 1 1/4″ hole in the centre of it through which the penis is inserted, but it is stretchy enough to accommodate any size. The purpose of it is to help seal the cylinder and improve suction, especially for people with more pubic hair.
Directly above the dial for the gauge is a quick release button which when pressed allows air to rapidly re-enter the cylinder and restore normal pressure. This is needed for when it is time to remove the penis from the pump, and also as a safety feature in case you become over excited with the pumping and end up in a painful situation.
Using the pump is quite a straight forward affair; as I have some pubic hair I elected to use the silicone “doughnut” to ensure good suction. I found that the best way was to first remove it from the base of the cylinder, then stretch it over my flaccid penis. To make sure that it’s fully sealed it’s useful to apply some water-based lubricant around the edges where the skin meets the silicone, to prevent any air from leaking in here. The next step is to pop the cylinder over the penis and reattach it to the silicone piece, which is accomplished quite easily. Next I began pumping; the pump feels slightly stiff so it is a little like giving your hand and forearm a workout, but it doesn’t require a great deal of pumping to get the desired result. The seal at the base was strong, and while initially I held the cylinder firmly against my pubic bone, after I began pumping I felt the skin around the base of the penis tightening against the silicone, thus preventing any air from leaking in. It’s a rather unusual sensation feeling your penis being sucked up into the tube and becoming erect without being aroused, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. I stopped pumping once I had achieved what appeared to be my standard erection size, and I felt quite satisfied with the simplicity of using the equipment, then I decided to go a little further. I kept pumping until it began to feel like a strong throbbing erection, and the sensation was rather enjoyable, especially if I repeatedly let a little air in and then pumped again. You can instantly tell if you’ve over pumped as a subtle ache all across the surface of the penis sets in, so you know then to allow some air back in. You can see the penis very clearly inside the cylinder, and just judging by the measurement scale I appeared to gain an extra 1/4″ at one point when I really pumped hard. One of the advantages of the silicone piece is that you have some movement with the cylinder as it isn’t stuck directly to the pubic mound, and you do have access to the base of the penis. This access is sufficient to allow you to slip an adjustable cock ring around the base of the penis and the testicles, and tighten it to keep in all the blood after you remove the pump.
Overall I’m really pleased with the Advanced Master Gauge Pump. It’s a quality piece of apparatus, and while it’s probably not something I’d include in my everyday sex life it’s definitely fun to play around with, and probably even more so with a partner.
You can buy the Advanced Master Gauge Pump from and EdenFantasys.